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Legal Humor – a Bit of Fun

Updated: Jun 25, 2021


Retirement Planning: If you had purchased $1000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.


With Enron, you would have $16 left of the original $1,000.


With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left.


BUT, if you had purchased $1,000.00 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling price, you would have $54.


Based on the above, current Milwaukee investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle.

It’s called the 401-Keg Plan.

 

An accountant and a lawyer bumped into each other in the elevator one evening, both heading home from work. The accountant said, “Nice weather we’re having, isn’t it?” As the attorney was about to reply, the accountant gasped and held up his hand. “Wait,” said the accountant. “Don’t answer that! I can’t afford the fee for your opinion.”

 

A local newspaper mistakenly printed an obituary for the town’s oldest practicing lawyer. He called them immediately and threatened to sue unless they printed a retraction. The next day, the following notice appeared: “We regret that the report of Attorney Smith’s death was in error.”

 

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”


She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”


The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”


She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”


At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be in jail for contempt of court in a heartbeat!”

 

Will Rogers on Legal Writing: "The minute you read something and you can’t understand it, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer. Then if you give it to another lawyer to read and he don’t know just what it means, why then you can be sure it was drawn up by a lawyer. If it’s in a few words and is plain and understandable only one way, it was written by a non-lawyer. Every time a lawyer writes something, he is not writing for posterity, he is writing so that endless others of his craft can make a living out of trying to figure out what he said, ‘course perhaps he hadn’t really said anything, that’s what makes it hard to explain."

 

An attorney, new to town, sat down at the testimonial dinner honoring the local judge.


“Holy cow,” he said aloud to the lady seated next to him, “You mean to tell me that bald, pudgy, bucktoothed, ugly little man is Judge Widgens!?”


The lady fired him a withering look. “Young man,” she said, “Do you know who I am?”


“No,” replied the newcomer.


“I am Mrs. Widgens!”


“I see,” said the lawyer. “And do you, Mrs. Widgens, know who I am?”


“I most certainly do not!” said the Judge’s wife.


“We'll keep it that way” said the lawyer, and he hurriedly left the room.

 

The attorney, picking a jury, said to Mrs. Winters, “Ma’am, you’re the perfect person to sit on this jury. Yet you tell me you can’t do it. Why do you want me to dismiss you?”


She answered, “They don’t want me away from my job.”


“You mean they can’t get along without you for a few days?” he retorted.


“Oh, they can get along without me alright,” she answered. “I just don’t want them to realize it!”

 

A physician presented her bill to the probate court as the legal way to collect her fees from the deceased person’s estate. "Do you need me to swear to my bill?” the doctor asked of the clerk.


“No,” answered the clerk, “Death of the deceased is sufficient evidence that you attended him professionally.”